


Now I Know I'm Alone

by Chemi



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Depression, Drugs, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-08
Updated: 2016-08-08
Packaged: 2018-08-07 08:43:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,064
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7708483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chemi/pseuds/Chemi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>High School is known for being tough. It's the first day of 11th grade for Tyler and emotions are high. The only thing on his mind; Josh.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Now I Know I'm Alone

**Author's Note:**

> I kinda wrote a vent-fic. Oops. Trigger warnings; nothing in detail but self harm is mentioned a lot.

TAP.TAP.TAP.TAP.TAP.  
Pause.  
TAP.TAP.TAP.TAP.TAP.  
Tyler sighed heavily, his hand continuing to tap out automatically.  
His mom shot him a disapproving look causing him to cease the noise and focus his attention to the passingbys through the window.  
He could feel the stress building rapidly.  
His mom constantly pushing him about his summer work didn't help either.  
As if he could actually focus on picking apart every single line of 'Alice's Adventures In Wonderland', let alone the second book also.  
Open House was bullshit.   
The only advantage Tyler found in it is being able to map out the new classes.  
He didn't enjoy the anxiety caused by wandering around the halls the first day of school and having no clue where to go.  
His mom was rambling on about some lady but he was far too lost in the sea of thoughts.  
Keep it together, he took a deep breath, Just smile and keep it together.  
No. He didn't do his summer assignments.   
He didn't read the two books and do the journals, He didn't read the Declaration Of Independence or the Constitution.   
He didn't even go the last three weeks of school the year prior.  
But his mom didn't know that.  
She didn't know that the train tracks right next to the school had a bridge area that had become home to Tyler and his 'friends'.  
She didn't know that was the only place he felt alive.  
She didn't know about them getting high or drinking vodka with gummy bears in it.  
The school was crowded- which was expected, but it still caused his stomach to churn.  
His mom didn't understand social anxiety, thinking it was silly and to 'get over it', which is why she didn't hesitate to clamber out of the car and head towards the prison building looming before them.  
Tyler followed her like a shadow, tossing smiles to people who he knew.  
He wasn't popular, he just knew the 'emo' kids.   
His school was still somewhat broken into groups and the emo/band kids all sat on the stage area.  
He enjoyed similar music and he was friends with a few of them so he had started sitting with them near the end of the previous year, after the incident.  
He was wearing his floral kimono which covered half of his arms when hanging, but his scars were still definitely visible.  
He didn't try to cover scars.  
Scars he could hide behind.  
It was when his arm had new wounds that he made sure to cover up.  
His new teachers didn't comment on them as they went class to class.  
Things didn't feel right.  
Nothing would feel right for a while.  
Not here.  
The people who knew casted him grins but their eyes showed sympathy.  
He knew why.  
But he couldn't think about that here.  
Not now.  
Not in hallways cram packed with loud students.  
He briefly wondered if the art sub was back.  
She had become a good friend to him at the end of last year.  
Maybe it was best if she wasn't at the school anymore, he didn't feel like being picked apart by someone he cared about.  
It was easier with her gone, even if she helped keep him alive last year.  
Tyler ignored the glares his mom sent him when teachers mentioned the AP work due the first day.  
The last room they entered was comfortingly familiar.  
His theatre teacher grinned as she greeted him.  
He was actually pretty decent in that class.  
Acting wasn't his strong point due to anxiety, but he did amazing in everything else they did.  
Tyler felt overwhelmingly exhausted as they finally settled back into their car.  
Fate must have it out for him, because before they could pull out, Sierra strolled by on the side walk.  
Sierra was nice, they weren't close friends at all, but Sierra use to hang out at their table before.  
She knew.  
Tyler couldn't stand the 'how are you?' question in her eyes, that would surly fall out of her lips when possible.  
Tyler just smiled and looked away.

 

 

The first day.  
Well.  
Tyler hated everyone and everything.  
His wrist was itching but he was too tired to fulfill his craving.  
5am.  
He got dressed in a daze.  
All black, Floral kimono, and the necklace.  
Can't forget the necklace.  
Breakfast to prevent his stomach from making him sick, although he knew food would fade from his life soon enough.  
Pills. Three different ones.  
Wellbutrin, Lexapro, and Ibuprofen for the pounding headache.  
He gathered his phone and earbuds, double checked that the little red pouch was clipped on his key ring just in case, and made the walk to the bus stop.  
One overcrowded bus ride later, Tyler was spit out at the school.  
Anxiety was flooding his veins due to being forced to sit between two other people for thirty minutes.  
The school wasn't overly full yet, the few students there were zombies.  
He walked through the gate into the patio area and stopped.  
Where does he go?  
The stage?  
The back ramp by the art room?  
The stage was filled with overly happy kids clad in black, too happy for him at the moment.  
Plus they would pretend like everything was fine.  
Which, Tyler wanted.  
Tyler didn't want anyone to bring it up.  
But at the same time he didn't want to be forced to pretend like he wasn't numb inside.  
So isolated spot it was.  
The ramp was mostly void of students normally, but his friend Martin knew to go there.  
Tyler wanted to be left alone.  
Plus, if the art sub was back to teach in place of the ill teacher, then he would have to deal with that.  
Tyler was at a lost.   
He drifted through the hallways like a ghost until he managed to find a spot behind the gym.  
Alone.  
Perfect.  
The music pouring from his headphones sounded like background noise compared to his thoughts.  
The necklace hitting his chest as he sat felt like being hit with a brick.  
Two owls.  
One blue with green wings reading; Best  
One green with blue wings reading; Friend  
Some of the kids would understand and feel bad for him.  
They would invite him to sit with them but as nice as the offer was, he wouldn't fit in.  
Everybody has a place.  
Tyler's was gone.  
Maybe he was being dramatic.  
But the numbness residing in his bones only stopped when replaced by his heart clenching and eyes burning.  
The salt water dripped onto the green owl.

 

In 9th grade Tyler was forced into a school where he only knew ONE person.  
and he hated her.  
He had been scared.  
He had to transfer three times in middle school due to moving and bullying.  
The worst middle school was just down the road.  
Those students would be attending the same high school as him.  
His first day he managed to find a mostly empty table at lunch where a purple haired girl sat.  
They exchanged brief conversations before another girl appeared asking if she could sit with them.  
Tyler listened as the two talked about horror games and movies, only speaking when spoken to.  
The second day, they all sat in the same place.  
Half way through the lunch period, a boy appeared.  
He silently sat at the end of the table, away from them.  
Tyler saw him first.  
How could he not?  
The boy was the definition of beauty.  
"Should we say hi?"Purple haired girl asked noticing Tyler's staring.  
The three softly argued, all of them having social issues.  
Eventually, purple slid over and Tyler followed with the other girl.  
The boy looked up confused but a smile filled his face anyway.  
Tyler was sitting on his side, which was worse because the boy was RIGHT THERE.  
Tyler learned the name "Josh," and knew it would never be the same again.  
Each passing day all four ended up at the same table.  
Tyler became way more talkative, speaking to Josh whenever possible.  
Josh shared the attention, talking mostly with Tyler.  
They grew closer until eventually months had passed and it was Tyler's birthday.  
He wasn't exactly excited.  
His birthday was forgotten by his friends and it fell on an exam day.  
It was never anything special.  
But that morning as Tyler sat waiting in one of the back halls for Josh to get to school, he was in for a shock.  
Josh turned the corner with that shining smile on his face.  
Tyler grinned back.  
"Happy birthday Ty,"   
Tyler grinned wider, before his eyes widened.  
Josh held up both hands,"Which one do you want?"  
Tyler stuttered, staring at the two necklaces.  
Two cute little owls that said 'Best Friends'.  
Tears burned Tyler's vision as he was handed the blue one.  
He flung his arms around his best friend, causing Josh to laugh before putting his own on.  
It was such an elementary gift, but it meant the world to Tyler.  
They wore them everyday faithfully.  
Their other friends pointed the necklaces out, thinking it was adorable.  
Eventually, Josh began coming over for sleep overs and such.  
Tyler broke down and spilled everything to Josh one night.  
His past, His depression, his anxiety, his scars, and Josh didn't leave.  
Josh didn't LEAVE.  
Everybody left.  
Tyler fell hard for him.  
Every time he saw his eyes, sun shined into his thoughts, pushing some of his depressive thoughts away.  
Not everything was amazing though, they both had bad days and Josh would sometimes come to school crying due to home problems.  
Tyler would just hug him and after a moment Josh would whisper out what was wrong.  
Josh trusted Tyler with everything.  
The worst breakdown Josh had was when he came to school with cut up knuckles and a gloomy expression.  
He ignored everybody but sat close to Tyler.  
Eventually the others left and Josh muttered Tyler's name.  
Tyler wasn't prepared when Josh tugged up his sleeve and revealed shallow cut marks.  
New.  
On previously flawless skin.  
Tyler almost cried when he hugged Josh tightly.  
He promised Josh that he would be there for him and told him that he would help him as much as he could.  
Josh never hurt himself again.  
The broken mirror in his bedroom was covered with a blanket and nobody ever knew.  
At the end of 9th grade, Tyler admitted to loving Josh.  
Josh didn't freak out or anything.  
He was really calm about it.  
But Tyler couldn't deny the hurt in his chest when he watched Josh flirt with a guy in gym later that day.

 

In 10th grade, Tyler and Josh continued to hang out like normal.  
Josh's chain for his necklace broke so when they had a mall day, Tyler pulled them into Claire's.  
The lady at the register looked at them oddly as Tyler placed a pack of necklaces on the counter.  
Two silver owls, mood stones set in their tummy.  
One read Best, the other read Friend.  
When Valentines day rolled around, Tyler decided to get Josh something.  
Even if Josh didn't like him romantically, he still deserved to be showed he was loved.  
Lately, Josh was complaining about feeling unwanted by people.  
Tyler, not having money, dedicated hours to sketching Josh's face.  
He transferred the drawing onto a canvas and painted it.  
When Tyler asked his mom who the painting was, she nailed it.  
He had done a pretty good job.  
The painting was stashed in the art room until lunch.  
Tyler was blushing when he handed the painting to Josh.  
Josh stared at it for a few moments before thanking Tyler with a smile.  
When Tyler got home from school that day, he was tired and his depression was creeping in.  
He hadn't self harmed in a week and his skin was crawling.  
'On My Way.-Josh'  
The text sent anxiety through Tyler's body.  
Why was Josh coming over on a school night?  
He never did that.  
When Tyler swung the door open he almost cried.  
Josh was standing there with a silly smile, a valentines balloon in one hand and three wrapped packages in the other.  
He apologized for being unable to stay before hugging Tyler and leaving with a wave.  
Tyler was crying by the time he reached his room.  
Nobody did things like this for him.  
Nobody ever got him anything, and nobody drove all the way to his house just to give him something.  
Tyler tied the balloon to his closet door handle before turning to the packages.  
They were filled with silly little items, a teddy bear with a fuzzy bracelet they had made months ago, and a letter.  
The letter brought fresh tears to Tyler's eyes.  
Attached to one of the packages, he found Josh's old best friend necklace.  
Tyler immediately dug out his old one and placed them on the same chain.  
Their friendship had never been better.  
Then a month later everything went to hell.  
One of their friends were self harming and they had walked in on it at school during lunch one day.  
Tyler tried to talk to Ruby, disgusted when she claimed she wished her arms were as scarred as his.  
By the time they were done, Josh was gone.  
Tyler felt his heart sink.  
The next morning Josh didn't come to their spot.  
Tyler wasn't even hurt, he was just numb, staring at the floor as students passed by.  
He skipped first period with two guys.  
This went on for three days.  
"What did I do?" Was on repeat in his head.  
But he knew the answer.  
His therapist argued against it.  
But Tyler knew.  
It was because of his depression.  
He had been feeling worse than usual lately.  
Had ignored a few texts from Josh, hadn't been smiling enough at lunch- He was being a burden.  
And his best friend couldn't take it anymore.  
On the fourth day, Josh spoke to him.  
The school was split up into rotations due to the Juniors taking the SATs.  
Tyler felt happy to be sitting next to his friend, but at the same time something felt wrong.  
Something between them was strained.  
A week later, Josh ignored him again.  
He would pass him by in the hallway, avoiding any form of contact.  
Tyler's demons loved it.  
Taunted him with it.  
Pointed out how he made everybody upset all the time.  
They were whispering things in his ear 24/7 and his heart broke all over again each time he saw Josh.  
In an attempt to feel alive, he skipped school completely with his friends from before.  
Cameron and William.  
He had smoked before, but nothing like what they did the first time they all skipped together.  
Tyler took so many bong hits that William looked like a cartoon character due to his green hair.  
They laid across the floor with pillows, only moving to get food.  
For the first time in a while, his head was quiet.  
Skipping became a 2 times a week event.  
They ran around to stores to buy snacks, they even ended up at Walmart before popping into a furniture store where Cameron and Tyler played on everything.  
To the left of the school was train tracks.  
Aware it was illegal, but desperate for a break, they found shelter at the small bridge down the tracks.  
They brought spray paint and covered old disgusting art staining the wood.  
At one point, They decided to make a trip to Ihop.  
It was free pancake day.  
Tyler, feeling overly hyper, went up to Josh and asked him to go.  
At first, Josh had tried to move away when Tyler approached but froze at his words.  
As Josh thought it over, Tyler's eyes focused on the chain around his neck.  
The owl was gone, replaced with a yin-yang symbol.  
Josh gave in.  
The walk there was great.  
But walking back, everybody left for the mall and Tyler walked Josh back to school.  
Well... tried.  
Tyler's feet burned horribly from his old hole filled shoes, and half way to the school Josh ended up leaving Tyler behind.  
That night, Tyler curled up in bed crying with severely blistered feet.  
The next day he could hardly walk without crying.  
Two months passed and Josh was back to flat out ignoring Tyler.  
'What did I do?' The question was always running through his head even as Cameron and him walked down rusty tracks that had become their safe haven.  
Tyler's self harming was worse than ever.  
Not just because the situation with Josh, but also from stress from home.  
The addiction was getting worse, his wrist constantly itching, his eyes always looking for tools for self destruction.  
Cuts turned into a few gashes.   
5 on the left, 4 on the right.  
Each from a different battle.  
His family knew about the issue, but never asked about the long sleeves.  
He was grateful.  
Finally, Tyler broke down.  
He had prevented himself from feeling any pain related to Josh, because it wasn't Josh's fault.  
A person could only take so much, and Tyler had pushed him to his limit with his mental illness.  
During lunch Tyler avoided the stage, knowing that was where Josh had fell into hanging out.  
But Tyler was lonely, the art sub was out, and he just wanted to curl up and pass out.  
So he dragged himself to the stage.  
A group of his some-what friends called him over to sit with them, which he was grateful for.  
But as they talked about something Tyler knew nothing about, the brightly colored hair appeared across from them.  
Josh.  
Tyler couldn't help staring, watching as Josh smiled and laughed with a group of guys Tyler didn't know.  
Josh was fine.  
Josh was HAPPY.  
Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, having already curled into himself.  
After a moment, Ruby, noticed his dark expression as he tried to keep himself together.  
Before he knew what was happening, Tyler was being pulled into her arms.  
"It's okay, it's okay Ty," The bottle containing his emotions exploded and tears poured from his eyes.  
Ruby held him protectively as he cried.  
When he calmed down enough, Ruby released him.  
Josh's laugh was still ringing out around the stage.  
The next day, Tyler went directly to the stage.  
He didn't feel good, and he just wanted to be in the company of somebody who could distract him.  
Ruby forced him to lay between her legs, sharing an earbud as they both sat in silence.  
Tyler felt empty.  
That beautiful loud laugh caught his attention and Tyler turned to look at him.  
For the first time in months, Josh looked at Tyler.  
Tyler expected the eye contact to be broken quickly, but Josh simply continued to stare, the smile gone from his face.  
He raised an eyebrow.  
'What did I do?'  
'What did I do?'  
'I'm so sorry.'  
He couldn't take it anymore.  
He made a motioning signal with his hand and surprisingly, Josh came over.  
Josh stood over him, bending down so they could talk.  
"What's up?"  
Casual.  
As if nothing was wrong.  
The best friend necklace was burning a hole in Tyler's pocket.  
"What did I do?"He blurted out, mentally beating himself.  
Josh's eyes softened.  
"I was tired. I was stressed from classes. I was falling behind in classes and my dad was going to kill me so I had to focus on that.Plus you were skipping school.....and I was tired of this,"His hand ran along the fresh bandage on Tyler's arm.  
Yeah, Tyler agreed silently, I am too.  
Tyler closed his eyes, accepting the fact that he was right.  
"I'm sorry."

 

Josh talked to him after that.   
Things were strained, not the same.   
Neither wore the necklace because the fact was it didn't feel like they were best friends.  
Tyler felt more alone than ever.  
But he smiled and he acted happy around Josh.  
The numbness never left and the voices never let up.  
The scars stayed hidden.  
He continued skipping classes, only showing up at lunch.  
Tyler hid in the art room every day.  
The sub knew he was going through a really rough patch.  
She felt like a mother figure as she talked to him all day, bringing him a water because sometimes he didn't eat.  
Cameron stayed most days too.  
The back room had a blanket and Tyler would sit while Cameron searched the shelves.  
Josh didn't know.  
They were slowly getting more normal and Josh was even going back to calling Tyler his best friend.  
The last week of school was exams.  
Tyler finally showed up to the classes.  
The teachers knew the basics about his mental illnesses and didn't say much.  
Except his 3rd period teacher who jokingly said,"I thought you were dead."  
Not knowing that Tyler really wished he was.  
He smiled back weakly.  
Earlier the week before, he had gotten a message from Josh.  
'Ty, I'm moving. I won't be going to school here anymore.'-Josh  
Tyler didn't really hurt over it too much, he was still so numb.  
But as the last day rolled around, Tyler wanted to cry.  
He put on the old necklace with both owls dangling from it.  
He pulled on the red converse Josh had given him a year ago.  
A silent goodbye to their friendship for good.  
He sat alone on the stage, away from the kids.  
Josh showed up a few minutes after him, joining him.  
They sat with their backs to the pillars, simply observing each other.  
Josh looked at the necklaces with a light smile.  
They didn't talk much, just watched each other as the others partied happily around them.  
Josh had given him a letter the day before.  
He explained that he would miss Tyler and continued to put all their stupid inside jokes down on the paper.  
There was so much to be said, yet nothing to say.  
When the bell rang, they both got to their feet.  
Tyler pulled Josh into a hug tightly.  
"I'm walking you to class," Josh chuckled pulling away.  
They hugged a few friends, Josh saying bye to a few of them.  
Josh walked with Tyler towards his class.  
Tyler couldn't quite remember if they shared any meaningless conversation because he was focused on memorizing Josh's face in person for the last time.  
They stopped outside the chemistry room.  
"Thanks," Tyler said softly, meaning more than for walking him to class.  
Josh smiled.  
When they hugged, Tyler almost started crying.  
It didn't last long enough.  
Josh pulled away and turned, walking away without another word.  
He took the rest of Tyler's heart with him.  
Tyler watched him leave, before entering the classroom.  
Cameron sat across the room with his friend, messing around.  
Tyler found his name on an exam paper and sat down by himself.  
He tried to focus as much as possible as he bubbled in the answers.   
However, he gave up quickly and selected randomly.  
The moment his pencil was set down, his head was being hidden in his arms.  
The tears created a mini puddle on the black desktop.  
Nobody noticed.  
When the bell finally rang, Cameron walked with Tyler out to the buses.  
They saw the art sub on the way, pausing to hug her.  
"Be safe."She said forcefully, looking at them knowingly.  
Cameron promised.  
Tyler smiled.  
When Tyler got home, He pulled out the emergency weed he kept stashed in his room and smoked it all.  
He wasn't content until the room was warping.  
He played his music as loud as he could, simply staring into space.  
He felt okay.

Over the summer, they talk on Kik.  
But it was different.  
Tyler managed to ignore the fact his friend wasn't coming back this year.  
But as the start of school approached, it started sinking in.  
Now, that it was actually the first day, everything felt so wrong.  
The necklace around his neck felt heavy as the two owls stared up at him.  
It's not like Josh was dead or anything....But Tyler was alone again.  
He had friends, but they were..distant.   
He would sit with them, but he would be the odd one out.  
They knew the facade Tyler.  
Josh knew the real Tyler.  
Tyler cleaned his tear stained face as the bell rang.   
It was time for class.  
Keep it together.


End file.
